In between vacuuming all the rooms in the house today, I've been tidying up my computer on my breaks. I tackled my browser bookmarks earlier. It was very sobering to see an entire section of URLs I bookmarked that were sites about losing one's baby while pregnant, in second or third trimester.
I had a really bad pregnancy. Really bad, and dangerous. Our ob-gyns weren't sure if the baby was going to make it through the entire pregnancy, and when I went into labor prematurely, things quickly went from bad to worse and there was a point when no one was sure that either or both me and the baby were going to survive. I had tried to prepare for the worst early in the second trimester when things started to take a bad turn, thus those bookmarks. Only MW and I knew just how bad things were, we didn't tell our families but they must have figured something wasn't right when we refused offers of a baby shower. We'd come home from the preparation for childbirth classes and I'd cry and cry, because it was so hard to keep up the appearance that everything was going okay. And when I went into labor early, we didn't call anyone in the family. Just wanted it to be us at the hospital in case things didn't work out well. MW called our moms when it was all over.
I can't have any more children, which is fine really, and I'm grateful each and every day that my little girl is here in my life.
Even so, today I wept with remembrance as I deleted those sobering bookmarks once and for all.
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