A Life Lived Well.

Just when we thought our guard llama was getting better -- he was improving so much -- suddenly within two days he spiraled down hard.

I had him euthanized on the morning of February 7. That morning was the first time he was in pain, not just weak, and that was the deciding factor. The vet was very gentle and very quick with the procedure, as we all kneeled in the straw in the llama stall and comforted my brave llama boy with soft words, hugs and kisses. He was very calm and very brave and he put his head on my shoulder and let go of this world.

I miss him so much. He was a beloved friend and amazing fellow, who loved every moment of his interesting life.

It was cancer, by the way. We couldn't have beaten it. I'm just glad we gave our boy the best quality of life possible, and helped him every step of the way with love in our hearts. Even the last step.

Two months later...

There has, quite literally, been no time to post to my blog. I don't have time now, either, but I'm taking a few moments this morning to fling something, anything up here.

Thanksgiving was nice. Christmas was also nice. This was LW's 3rd Christmas and therefore a big, important one for her. We had a lot of fun involving her in holiday traditions, giving her her first long-term holiday memories.

After the holidays, everything came crashing down. Two weeks ago, my best guard llama went down, hard. It's taken two weeks of intensive medical treatments, force feedings every 2-3 hours day and night, and physical therapy to keep him alive. Two days ago we finally saw some improvement. I don't know if we'll be able to save him in the long term, but we're doing everything we can do to try. Other llama owners who have been through the same thing have been giving me life-saving information and advice, via the internet. One gal in particular with a herd in upstate NY has been my lifeline in all this. If the llama survives, I owe her something really, really nice as a thank-you. I love this llama dearly, he's been with us for 13 years since he was a 6-month-old weanling.

MW has had no incoming work from his clients for almost two months. There's nothing in the pipeline either, and we're both pretty scared. He's started a job search to find some sort of work locally. I don't care if he ends up flipping burgers, he's got to get a job. I don't make enough to support this family by myself.

Thus far, 2010 has been full of suck. I had high hopes that it would be a better year than 2009, but at this point, it's worse for us than last year.

Sobering bookmarks from a sad time.

In between vacuuming all the rooms in the house today, I've been tidying up my computer on my breaks. I tackled my browser bookmarks earlier. It was very sobering to see an entire section of URLs I bookmarked that were sites about losing one's baby while pregnant, in second or third trimester.

I had a really bad pregnancy. Really bad, and dangerous. Our ob-gyns weren't sure if the baby was going to make it through the entire pregnancy, and when I went into labor prematurely, things quickly went from bad to worse and there was a point when no one was sure that either or both me and the baby were going to survive. I had tried to prepare for the worst early in the second trimester when things started to take a bad turn, thus those bookmarks. Only MW and I knew just how bad things were, we didn't tell our families but they must have figured something wasn't right when we refused offers of a baby shower. We'd come home from the preparation for childbirth classes and I'd cry and cry, because it was so hard to keep up the appearance that everything was going okay. And when I went into labor early, we didn't call anyone in the family. Just wanted it to be us at the hospital in case things didn't work out well. MW called our moms when it was all over.

I can't have any more children, which is fine really, and I'm grateful each and every day that my little girl is here in my life.

Even so, today I wept with remembrance as I deleted those sobering bookmarks once and for all.

Craft Nite.

Just for the record, I want to express my love and appreciation for the folks who come to craft each Tuesday night at the Rendezvous in Turners Falls. I was away from Craft Nite for two months, went back last Tuesday for the first time in what seemed like forever, and was entirely thrilled to see the crafty peeps again.

With the end in sight for my deadlines, I'll be going back to Craft Nite as often as I can this winter. It's damned good for my mental health.

Protest.

Today is the protest rally downtown against the proposed cuts to the library budget. We'll be going. I have to come up with some snappy signs to carry.

Molly the sheep is a mystery right now. Doc came out yesterday morning early, gave her a full physical exam. Doc said she was in extremely good condition for her age, and yet she was still bleeding slightly from the nose. He took a blood draw, test results came in this morning and came back negative for anything other than a bit of a dip in her calcium levels. We can fix that with a mineral supplement. Doc just said to keep a close eye on her and report any changes.

We're still having the neighbor come by this weekend with his backhoe to dig a hole. Just in case for over the winter. Yes, it sounds morbid, but there's nothing worse than putting down a livestock animal over the winter and not having a hole already prepared in this harsh winter climate.

LW is nearly fully potty trained. Once in a while she poops in her panties, and I still keep her in pull-ups overnight, but all day long she uses her potty without being told to. What a great kid!

Dread.

One of the livestock is not doing so well. She's a lot older than most animals of her species, and today we noticed a little blood coming from her nose. I've got a call in to the large animal vet, he's coming first thing tomorrow. One of my neighbors will stop by after work with an excavator to help us dig a hole out in the back pasture. Just in case hard decisions have to be made...

I dread this. I love this particular animal; she's been with me and my family for more than 15 years.

Pay it forward.

I signed up for a Pay it Forward on a blog a few weeks ago. So, that means that I need to pay it forward here on my blog. I will take the first three people who respond, and send them something handmade within 365 days. The catch? Well, you must then old a Pay it forward on your blog. See, it just keeps going spreading handmade goodness to the world. I will send anywhere in the US or Canada.

Sign up by responding to this post.